I’m Back!!!

Hello there my We Are 1 Voice Family…

I apologize for the gap in time since my last blog. I have been battling an interesting bout of depression. And it was a more time consuming and a lot harder to come out of this time.
It felt as if I had slipped further in the hole the moment I felt like I had my foot grounded to begin my climb back up.
I lost sight of the light at the top of the hole for a while.
And I panicked, and went through shell shock, and had anxiety attacks, and felt like I couldn’t breathe a lot of days.
I began to get sick and my body was becoming more prone to injury.
Yea, it was pretty serious.

Oddly enough, for how hard this bout hit me, I have come out with such a sense of peace.
I’m okay.
I didn’t become suicidal.
I instead, did something most people are afraid to do, because they fear the hurt of rejection;

I went to a group of people that I love and trusted and I admitted out lout that I need help.
I explained to them that although they may not understand it, this is VERY REAL to me.
I sought out guidance from my Creator and I took the time out to take a really good look at me.
What, in all of this, can I do something about? How can I get better? What haven’t I tried before that has the potential to work now? What am I doing to help find a solution? Am I holding myself accountable?

My life has taken a lot of turns and has gone thru a lot of drastic changes, even in the short period of time since I took on this blog…
Even more so since I have been informed of, acknowledged, and accepted my diagnosis.
I haven’t always done well with change, especially in circumstances that cause me to jump ends of the spectrum;

But now, I’m learning to accept change. Change means you are growing. Change means that nothing is permanent.
If that doesn’t bring you some kind of peace…
Just to know, NOTHING is permanent.
Not your depression, not this storm in your life, not the hard days, not the days when you have no idea what to do, the days when you feel alone, none of these are permanent. They are just momentary circumstances.
You can get through this moment.

I did!

Today, I am encouraging you.
You can and you will get through this… Whatever this may be for you…

And you are NOT alone… Reach out to someone for help… Talk to people… Be willing to open up long enough to find someone who is willing to listen… The people are there…
If you can’t find one, contact me…. And I’ll do my best to help you…
I don’t promise to have all the answers, quite frankly, not even most, but I do understand, and I know it’s not easy…

The light is almost visible…
Just keep pushing, if for no other reason, because whether or not YOU believe it, I know you really can.

Advertisements

Depression is REAL

In light of Robin Williams’ death (suicide), I want to take the time to address depression and how REAL it is.
As someone who suffers from depression, inside and outside of being bi-polar, I can tell you, it is as real as the sensation you get on your skin when you graze your hand over your arm.

Let me see if I can help shine some light on what depression is and what it is like.

I could give you the dictionary definition of what depression is, but most of you wouldn’t understand that, so let me see if I can put this into perspective so that you may understand.

Depression is a cancer of your emotional coping mechanism.
Meaning that it is a chemical, hormonal, or emotional warping of how you deal with simple life matters, how you feel on any given day, what you think about, and how it affects you physically.
People who suffer from depression have a harder time bouncing back from the downfalls in life and, usually, it’s completely out of their control.
NO ONE who is depressed wants to be suffering from depression.
Let me say that again:

EVERY single person who suffers from depression DOES NOT want this illness.

It hurts: physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and psychologically.
Meaning, that it is ACTUALLY painful; we do feel pain and a lot of it at times.
Meaning, NO, it is NOT someone begging for attention, it is NOT a being a cry baby, and it’s NOT a joke.
As a matter of fact, treating depression as such feeds the cancer.

Depression, as you have seen in entirely too many cases, has proven to be fatal if left untreated; usually resorting in suicide, unfortunately.

 

As a four time suicide attempter, I can tell you, this isn’t a place we strive to get to, we’re dragged there.
We practically slip into it faster than we can dig our own way out of it.
We begin this slow journey downward at a point that we can’t identify.
Something bad happens and we don’t quite get back to normal after that, and cause in life we can’t avoid the mistakes, fall backs, and slip ups, we fall deeper and deeper into it each time, fighting to get out of it, but alone, we don’t have the power. We are fighting a downward battle.
We cry out for help, if we ever pass the point that we realize that we need it and can still talk about it, but in most cases our cries go unheard or brushed off, which, unfortunately feeds to cancer as well.

As in life, in order to get rid of cancer, you may have to go through surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation (to name just a few of the treatments), with depression, you need to take measures just as radical, at times.
Most people who suffer from depression need medical attention and the help of a professional. We also need the support and understanding of friends and family members.
IT IS AN ILLNESS!!! We are mentally sick….
And no, you can’t get rid of it with Robitussin, Tylenol, or Midol.

Did you know?
That most people who commit suicide are not selfish, but we instead feel as if we are doing our family and friends a favor by doing away with ourselves? (Taking the trash out)

 

Can you imagine how that has to feel? Emotionally? Physically?
It hurts.
It’s a lonely and cold place.
Everyone is close but no one is near, you want to explode and scream to the world but NO ONE cares.
I know cause I’ve been trying and NO ONES sees it, NO ONE gets it.
That’s how we feel.
And then in most situations, you seen the signs before it happened, but it didn’t seem like it was a big deal to you, so you brushed it off.

Robin Williams is a result of this deadly cancer left untreated.

With that being said, people, please:
If you suffer from depression, please get help.
If you know someone who does, get them to help ASAP. DO NOT blow off the signs.
It’s their life at risk.

When is “It” REAL?

As I sit here, pondering some of the things that I have talk to both my psychologist and my psychiatrist about pertaining to how being bi-polar effects ME, I can’t help but wonder when is it REAL???

 

What is “it”, you ask.

“It” is the feelings and the emotions; it’s the good days, the bad days, the emotional highs and lows, and the feelings you experience with people, things, and situations.

When are they REAL???

See… by definition, there is a hormonal high that we experience during the manic phases, that is almost euphoric, and then on the flip side, we can also be easily angered, irritable, and even hostile.
And then there’s the depressive side of this. It drains us, physically and emotionally, and we feel low, depressed, and suicidal even.

So, in a world where this can happen once in a lifetime to 8-9 times in a day,
(for me it varies from a daily cycle to a weekly cycle and I haven’t quite learned how to fully function with this disorder yet) how do you know what feelings, emotions, and thoughts are real?
Is it your hormonal imbalance making you feel a certain kind of way or is it what you are REALLY feeling?

As a parent, a big sister, a daughter, a partner, a friend, a teacher, a leader, a mentor, and even just as a person, I can’t help but to wonder how this affects all of my relationships.

See, I can wake up one day and feel a certain way and before the day is over, my moods, feelings, and emotions change so much, that by the end of the day, I could tell you how I would change about 90% of my life because my feelings have changed about it all.
(It’s really difficult being 28 years of age and unable to tell you what I REALLY want in life, mostly because my feelings and thoughts about a lot of what I say I love and want, change so much. And I’m medicated.)
It’s confusing, emotionally deafening, and frustrating!

So, I want to ask you, “How do YOU know when it’s REAL??? And, does being bi-polar effect you the same way?”

(Feedback Welcome and Highly Encouraged)          

Just Beginning To Understand…

Follow this if you are able:

You jump up at 8:00 o’clock on the dot and get your day started. No lag, no drag, just going.
Your mind is on it. You are getting everything done, multitasking is a breeze. You are full of energy and it is the start of a really good day.
You get through all of your morning tasks and you’ve accomplished some of your afternoon tasks as well.
You go to get lunch and as you put in your order for your chicken strips and fries, you get a feeling over you, like someone just told you that your mother just died. And you stop, you can’t breathe, and it hurts. Except you didn’t get news that your mother just died; actually you were just excited because the cute guy behind the counter just winked and you and gave you an extra chicken strip on the house.
You eat your lunch and you can’t help but realize that you pity yourself, and what for???
Honestly, you have no idea.
It makes no sense. You are confused, angry, and agitated.
Why do you feel like this on such a good day????
Why is it that you WANT to BE in a good mood, but you can’t shake this feeling?
Why are you so mad???
Why are you so irritated???
What happened???

For those of us who happen to be bi-polar (diagnosed or undiagnosed), this doesn’t seem like an impossible situation; As a matter of fact, a lot of our days consists of a lot of these scenarios, in so many different ways.
Our psychologists and psychiatrists like to call it the “two far ends of our spectrum: manic and depressive”.
Manic- It is the moment when you are thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time. Your brain is all over the place. You are restless and anxious, you can’t focus on just one thing, and a lot of times, nothing makes sense to you.
Depressive- Simply put, range from bouts of pity to suicidal ideations.

Wanna know what makes this hard to deal with??? We, bi polars, have very little to no control over when it occurs.

A lot of us need meds, some can go through therapy, meditation, religious releases, and personal life training, but in order for us to be able to function somewhere in the middle, we usually need more than one of these means.
 (yay, there’s hope for us… We’re not completely crazy!!!! I say we, cause you’re not alone, trust me. There’s a whole league of us!)

For people who need help understanding…I’ll give you an example…
Most of you follow football, right???

Ok, so imagine you have the red team and the blue team.

Red team’s end zone is a manic phase.
Blue Team’s end zone is a depressive phase.

A really good defensive game usually stays within the 30 yard lines on either end of the field, with very few visits to the end zone, right?
That a good day for one of us… it’s very centered…

But those days when you get a REALLY GOOD offensive game and both teams are matching each other, score for score, there are a couple of fumbles and interceptions; it’s one of those games that have you sitting on the edge of your seat for an entire hour, those are the days that we go from one end of the spectrum to the other, almost more quickly than the football can change the hands of teams on a football field.
We go from anxious, paranoid, and even hallucinations to depressed, lonely, and possibly suicidal, and back and forth again, and again, and again, and again, and, you get the idea….
And it can happen like this in bouts of minutes over the course of a day…
Crazy, right?

Can you imagine what it is like to live like that day in and day out, having to attempt to exist as if it doesn’t?
We, unfortunately, don’t understand the privilege of a balanced mind or a state of stability until we find what is causing the imbalance.

For some it’s lack of control, for others it may be hormones and body chemistry.

I tell you about all of this, because for those of you who understand exactly what I am talking about, you are not alone, and there are ways to get help.

 For those of you who don’t suffer from this illness, please understand, we, bi polars have life lens are distorted, and we can’t quite see the picture the ways is supposed to be yet, but please, be patient, and help us fix our lens, so that we may see past the things that are out of our control.
With so much going on inside that we can’t always control (train), it’s hard to cope with that, the frustrations from feeling inadequate to people around us of because of this, and usually ending up alone because of our lack of control.
It’s a vicious cycle.

So I ask, just please, be patient.

This is just simply the beginning of an understanding…